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Obedience. A word we often attribute to children and not really to ourselves, once we become adults and no longer under the authority of parents. Yet the Bible not only mentions it frequently, it emphasizes it and its fundamental importance in the walk of faith, not only in bringing about blessings but also consequences when we choose to disobey. It is highlighted in so many of the stories of some of the greatest heroes of faith, displaying both abundant blessings vs. horrible and disappointing outcomes. It is often the key that unlocks deeper relationship, blessing, and purpose.

Let’s Be Honest About Obedience

For as much as it is emphasized and spoken about in the Bible, I often don’t see that same energy matched within the church or even in my own life. In a world where freedom, self-expression, and doing what feels right are celebrated, the idea of surrendering our will to God’s can feel so restrictive. It should be a crucial part in our Christian walk, yet we treat it like it’s some outdated concept! 

But the Bible is very clear on how God views it – He honors it. 

Not perfection. 

Not performance. 

Not how much we appear to have it all together.

OBEDIENCE. 

A willing heart that says, “Yes, Lord”, even when it’s hard or inconvenient or when it makes no sense to yourself or others? He loves that.

 “Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.” 1 Samuel 15:22  

“If you love me, keep my commands.” John 14:15

Obedience Flows From Relationship

That doesn’t leave much room for interpretation. It is such a vital part of our relationship with Him, a huge expression of our love for Him, when we act out our trust in Him. It is literally saying, “I trust You more than I trust myself” and then actually following through with that. 

I honestly haven’t spent a whole lot of time thinking about this concept, in my many years of walking with the Lord. But lately it has grabbed my attention in a whole new way, making me pretty embarrassed with how little thought I’ve given to it. I think I’ve just always chalked it up to needing to obey the Bible (which we do), but less to the everyday things He’s telling me. The “smaller” things. 

But when you look at the next verse of 1 Samuel 15, verse 23? Yikes. Not obeying Him in the “smaller” things isn’t something He just overlooks and says, “Well, she’s obeying the bigger things so it’s all good.” It says, “For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has also rejected you [from being king].”

That’s pretty serious. Delayed obedience is still disobedience. Partial obedience is still disobedience. Yet, He is still so gracious to keep drawing us back, never shaming, but restoring and realigning us. But after this revelation, it’s not something I really want to keep messing with though, you know? 

For (literally) YEARS He has been telling me to write. Just write (that’s the only direction I’ve really received, those 2 words). I don’t know why or for what, but it comes back to me All. The. Time. I love to write, but for whatever reason, when it’s something I’m supposed to be doing, I suddenly feel like I can’t string a sentence together and all thoughts leave my brain. I do it sometimes, but not to the point that I know I’m supposed to be. I also know He isn’t going to give me further direction until I first show my discipline and faithfulness in what He’s told me to do so far. 

So consider this my accountability post. 

Blessing and Breakthrough is on the Other Side of Obedience

Obedience often precedes blessing. So many of us are waiting on God to move, to provide, to open doors – all the while He’s waiting on us to obey the last thing He told us to do.

“Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” Luke 11:28

I’m not saying it’s easy. In fact, it’s usually not. Obedience almost always costs us something and it requires us to lay down our own plans. It’s not flashy, it doesn’t receive applause.  In fact, if you tell someone else the reason for doing what you’re doing – obedience – you’ll most likely receive some raised eyebrows and a drawn out “okkkkaaayyyy”. Others won’t understand. YOU probably won’t even understand! But,  He does. 

It will always bring peace, clarity, and alignment with His purpose. It is powerful, where transformation happens, miracles are birthed and where intimacy with Him will grow. Are you needing those things in your life? Tired of waiting for breakthrough to happen? 

Obey.

Let’s Be People Who Obey

 I’m not saying it’s some kind of magic bullet, but regardless, blessing always follows obedience. Is there something He has been telling you to do that you have not been in? Or are scared to do? Trust Him. Lean on the Holy Spirit for strength and DO THE THING. I promise, the things we are so hesitant to do or give up, following through with what He wants will bring about so much fulfillment and peace. 

‘Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.” Proverbs 16:20

We are very much in a season of shifting right now. It feels like God is taking every last bit of comfort & familiarity we have cradled this past year and I have such mixed feelings about it. On the one hand it is exciting, because we know it is showing He is working and moving things around, making room for something new – what exactly that is, we don’t know yet. On the other hand, it is exhausting and scary, honestly. 

I don’t know what His plan is or where this road is taking us and many times it has felt like a dead-end or we’re about to go straight off a cliff. 

This past year has tested my faith and trust in Him in what I felt was like, SAT level.  I walked away from Cisco’s stroke with an assurance I have never had before, in His power, provision, grace, and mercy. I no longer question His active involvement in our lives, in fact I am confident in it. 

But I am human and it means my faith will momentarily falter and I will find myself starting to question my trust and assurance in Him.  Did we hear Him correctly? Are we actually insane? 

It’s not that I forget what He’s done before or that He’s come through (eventually) every single time. It’s a question of “But what about THIS time??” that I find myself contemplating. As if there is a limit to the amount of times He will come through. Or hear us. Or provide. Or show us the way. It’s silly, really, but I am finding it much easier to quickly bring those thoughts captive than I ever have before. 

The moment we said “yes” to Him, choosing a very unconventional path and decidedly walking down it, things simultaneously began to come together and also fall apart. Cisco was officially laid off from his job at the beginning of June, which means as of yesterday we no longer have health insurance. Kind of a big deal to have in his situation and I’d be lying if I said this didn’t make me just a little nervous. And the owner of the business I work for suddenly sold that business. As of now, it remains to be seen if I’ll be staying there part time like I have been, or if that chapter is officially closing, but either way, it’s be a change we weren’t expecting.

But isn’t that the way He works? I know we like to think that when we say “Yes” to Him it means everything falls perfectly into place, we get supernatural protection from any hardships or trials, and life becomes blessings forevermore. 

I was originally going to type here, that the opposite happens. Because from where we sit today, that would appear to be the truth. But I am also strangely confident that, even though it seems like everything is falling apart, I believe that needs to happen before the RIGHT things can fall into place. And while it seems like all supernatural protection has hit the road Jack, because it has literally been one trial after another over here, I know that the minute we say “yes” to God, we become a threat to Satan. Of course he’s going to come after us. In fact, it would be more concerning if he wasn’t. I also know that there is a constant and continuous battle going on that we are largely unaware of. So while the sudden uptick in heat and trials might seem like He has split, I think it’s more of a sign that the opposite is actually true. 

And while it seems like our life is currently the opposite of abundant blessings, that is also not true. It can be, if I choose to look at it that way. But I’m also very aware that the walk I took this morning had the most glorious cool breeze that even the hot, July Texas sun couldn’t compete with. Or that we have not gone a day without food, shelter, or electricity, even though our finances are currently in a dumpster fire of a situation. It doesn’t go unnoticed by me, that every time I am feeling the full weight of life and overwhelmed by it all, my cat decides I need the biggest cuddle and he is not normally a big cuddler. I could go on and on – Watching my kids decide to walk with the Lord and be baptized (a blessing I will never recover from), rich fellowship with our church and new friends (something we never again thought was possible for us), watching Him come through at the last minute over and over again. 

I am finding, it is all about perspective.  We are promised trials just as much as blessings. But you know what? Just like joy and sorrow, good and bad, healing and pain – these also go hand in hand. You can’t experience one without the other. And that, dear friend, is actually beautiful. 

If the enemy is lying to you today, if you have stepped out into unknown territory as a “yes” to God and it seems like everything is falling apart and He has abandoned you – I encourage you to shift your perspective, take a step back, and really look at what is happening around you. Is it falling apart or falling into place? Are you abandoned or is the Lord and His army of angels currently fighting an intense battle on your behalf? Is your life void of blessings or are they actually all around you, just blurred by your tears and heartache? 

Keep going. Keep seeking. Keep believing. And keep putting on every piece of that armor (literally, every piece, every single morning) because you’re going to need it.

I’ve been neglecting the call to write, focusing on life and other projects, but it’s been quietly nagging at me in the back of my brain. Life can be incredibly overwhelming at times and I needed to take a step back for a minute and recalibrate, really reconsider where I was putting my time and energy into and what needed to go. 

During that time, I felt the Lord calling me back to what He’s been telling me to do for years – WRITE. Create. Heal. To walk in my purpose.

 Which is really difficult to do when life feels like it is coming at you like a tidal wave, all at once! And when old wounds, fears, and insecurities who are trying their hardest to rear their ugly heads, keep you from doing what you know, deep down, you’ve been specifically assigned to do. 

This has been a big topic of conversation between Cisco and I a lot lately – purpose, calling, and assignment. When we look at our lives as being one with purpose and meaning, where the Lord has placed you on this earth for a specific assignment and reason, it really changes how you view literally everything. I think before his stroke, we wanted to have that kind of purpose and calling, where we were confidently walking in exactly what we knew the Lord wanted us to do, but it honestly seemed so unattainable. Like that was meant for someone else, but not for us, that God spoke to some people clearly in that way, but not to us. 

I know for myself, I wanted it so badly but never seemed to get it. I would ask and ask and felt like I would never get an answer or the answer would be very vague. 

Looking back now, I know the Lord was speaking and leading me in a direction, I just didn’t want to do what I knew that was going to take. Which was putting myself out there, taking a risk of looking foolish & possibly cringe-y, becoming the possible target for misunderstanding, judgement and ridicule. I liked my very safe, under-the-radar kind of life I had been living for forever. 

Or did I?

When I was constantly feeling the push to do otherwise, constantly feeling like there was something more I was supposed to be doing? 

The second I found out Cisco had a stroke, I knew our lives had just changed forever. (Actually, I knew a little, but I didn’t really KNOW, know). But when one is handed a second chance at life, there is a focus and a vision that wasn’t there before. I don’t really know how to explain it, but if you have had this happen too, I know you know. A lot of the things you used to care so much about, that kept you from walking in your purpose or calling, just don’t matter as much at all anymore. The fact that we get one chance, one shot, one life – is suddenly very real and very clear. You just don’t want to mess around anymore and waste any precious time. 

So my question for you today is – what is your assignment? 

What has God been putting on your heart, speaking quietly (or loudly) to you?

Are you doing it? And if not, why not?

If any of those reasons happen to have to do with past hurts or things someone else has spoken over you on why you shouldn’t do it – friend, I encourage you to take those things to Jesus TODAY and ask Him to break you free from them. 

Don’t delay or convince yourself you are keeping yourself “safe”. There is no such thing. 

Time is short and none of us, literally none of us, are promised tomorrow. 

The world needs YOU, as you are, with all your flaws and cringe. Allow yourself to be the vessel, the conduit of Jesus and let Him use you in the most beautiful and glorious way.

Ask Him what your assignment is and then be all about it, breaking free from those voices of judgement, lies, and insecurity.

Have you ever been sick for a couple of days where you forgot what it’s even like to be healthy?

What was it like to not have a fever, to not have snot running down your face, or to have the energy to do even the most simple of everyday tasks?

You regretted taking your health for granted. You regret not taking your vitamin C, supplements or exercising like you knew you should have. Now, it feels like you’ll never be well enough to do those things. When you get sick, even with something minor like a cold or a mild flu, nothing else matters but your health. It’s all you can think about – you would give anything to feel better, to be outside and have the sun on your face, to be out from under the covers, to escape that prison cell that you once called your room, and get rid of that box of tissues that’s practically chained to you.

The funny thing is, as I was laying in that hospital bed, having learned what put me there and what my prognosis may be going forward, I wished I was in my bed with the flu. At least in that sick bed there was hope of me getting better and being back to the way I was before I got ill. As far as I knew then, I would never be back to the same way I was before the stroke. From what some of my doctors are telling me now, I will not ever be the same as I was pre-stroke. 

I remember my neuro ophthamologist (eye doctor) telling me something similar to that some months back. Although my eyesight had improved quickly and dramatically, the timeline for healing and improvement had essentially come to its conclusion. It was definitely hard to hear that, I’m not going to lie. Even though I have a lot of respect for him, I knew that he was not the final word on what my healing process would look like. 

The Creator of the universe, the Great Physician, the One who created me and knows me intimately has the final word. I don’t know what that word is yet, but I put my trust and hope in Him, knowing that He knows what is best for me and my family. It definitely hasn’t always been easy. There have been, and still are, some sleepless nights and anxiety. Worry and doubt have crept in and played their tricks in my head. 

It’s hard to trust in what you can’t see. 

I know I’m not telling you anything new. This is the first time I or my family have gone through something like this, and we’re definitely learning as we go. Sure, we’ve been through trials and scary situations, but nothing where our health was concerned. So, this is all new to us.

We went to Bible College and learned about how faithful God was, we grew up in church and learned about the stories of David and Goliath, Jonah, the children of Israel, and how He always came through for them. We had the head knowledge that God was good and faithful and trustworthy. But this is the first time that we experienced a life and death situation that required that head knowledge to migrate towards our hearts in this way.

I can see now how God used our past experiences – the multiple moves, losing everything in a wildfire, a failed church plant, being super broke to prepare us for this very situation. It seems like He brought us through these smaller trials to get us ready for this bigger one. It’s not like we were ready to go and face the next trial, we didn’t see this one coming at all, but seeing God come through in the past, gave us the faith to know that He would come through this time as well. I don’t know if God always works that way – using little trials to build up to a bigger one – but He definitely did with us. Probably because He knew that we couldn’t handle the magnitude of this one first.

I don’t know what y’all are going through, relationship trials, financial, career or health issues, but I do know that God is faithful. He knows us better than we know ourselves and He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. I know sometimes it can seem so dark, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but as long as God is with us, there is always hope.

“For whoever has despised the day of small things shall rejoice…” Zech. 4:10 ESV

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been 10 months since my stroke. It’s funny that when we look back at things that have happened to us, it can feel like it only  happened yesterday and it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time. A lot has happened since then, and it feels like nothing has happened. It’s easy to forget how I was when I woke up in that hospital. 

I was a wreck physically, mentally and emotionally.

 I have come a long way in all those areas, even though some days it doesn’t feel like it. You see, I suffer from what a lot of Christians suffer from – spiritual short term memory loss. I was afflicted with this before my stroke, but I feel like it’s gotten especially bad after it. It’s been a condition the human race has suffered from since the time of Adam and Eve, and we will continue to go through it until we are in our new bodies. We forget so quickly what God has done for us and how good He has been and we tend to focus right away on what we used to have and don’t any longer, or what we want and don’t have.

It’s easy to read books like Exodus and see how whiny and ungrateful the children of Israel tended to be after God parted the Red Sea or made manna come down from Heaven and criticize them for their lack of faith. 

But that is us. That is me.

The fact that I am even able to be here and write this is a miracle. 

I should have died.

But, God saw it fit to keep me alive. To give me more time with Melissa and kids. To give me more opportunities to see Him work and to serve Him.

God is so good.

Yet, so many times, instead of focusing on His love and His goodness, I focus on what I don’t have or what I can’t do.

Right after my stroke, I was in the ICU for a while, recovering, then I went into “in-patient rehab” where I underwent rehab exercises while I still stayed in the hospital. The rehab was challenging, especially at first. I was under-weight, weak, I had the eyesight of a fruit bat and my balance was that of a drunken sailor while on the ocean for the first time.

But my therapist was great. She was kind, funny and knew exactly when to push me harder and when to let me rest. I was still in my wheelchair at that time, but I could see and feel myself progress everyday. Unfortunately, the rehab part was only about an hour a day, so the rest of the day I was stuck in my room, wondering how I got there – and wishing I was rehabbing and getting better.

That lasted about a month, then they discharged me from the hospital, and I went home.

I was home for a couple of days and then I began Day Neuro. I had to get used to the house again and where everything was. At that point, I was still pretty immobile and I had to rely on Melissa and the kids to do almost everything for me. Honestly, Melissa and the kids were great. I was just frustrated at myself and my situation and sometimes I would take it out on them. They would ask me where I was going or what I was doing every time I got off the couch. I knew they were doing it out of love and concern, but it would sometimes still annoy me. It was my job to be the inquisitive and annoying one, not theirs.

 There were so many things that I took for granted when I was healthy: walking on my own without a walker, being able to see the TV clearly and being able to drive. There were new things I suddenly  needed a lot of help with. Getting dressed, tying my shoes and just walking around the house. I even had to take a shower with one of those shower stools, so I could sit down, because I was so weak and my balance was so off. 

The rehab facility Melissa found thankfully picked me up, which was good because it was about 40 minutes away. I had sessions 5 days a week, and 6 hours a day, so it was intense for sure, but it was exactly what I needed. My progress surged by leaps and bounds during those 3 months. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker, to walking on my own, from showering with a stool, to showering without one and from climbing up the stairs, holding onto the banister for dear life, to walking up them with no help. My eyesight improved drastically to where I first was prescribed glasses and then I outgrew the prescription. My coordination and balance improved and it felt like I got my “land legs” back.

Since then, I have “graduated” rehab and have been home full time. I am still progressing, although it’s not the day to day big improvements that we saw at the beginning. The doctors and therapists said that my progression would begin to slow down as time went on, but it was still hard to take. I am now at the period where I am still improving, but the progression is slower and imperceptible at times.

It is the “days of small things”.

It can be frustrating for sure. Have you ever met a family and they have young kids, and then you go a couple months without seeing them and their kids have shot up like weeds and all of a sudden they have huge vocabularies? You mention to their parents how much they’ve grown and they notice it, but not as much as you. They see their kids everyday and although they see them grow and mature, their growth is harder to see and measure on a daily basis. That’s how I feel.

I know that I am progressing and getting stronger everyday, but since it happens in smaller increments, it’s harder for me to notice. Those that haven’t seen me for a couple of months will comment on how much I’ve improved or how much healthier I look, etc., but I don’t always feel it. I, like the Israelites, can tend to focus on what I don’t have or what I still can’t do, instead of remembering and thanking God for the miracles He has done. 

God knows us so well. He knew we needed to see the forgetfulness and at times the ungratefulness of the Israelites. He knew that we needed to see that He used imperfect men like Moses, Abraham and David. Yes, they messed up, they lacked faith, they disobeyed, but God still used them. He used them to bring Israel out of Egypt, to bring His people through the wilderness and to slay a giant and rule over His nation. Were there days of small things in their lives? Of course. Did they rejoice when those days were over and God used them? Of course.

Being raised in Pharoah’s palace had to have had its boring, monotonous days. Seeing sand dune after sand dune in the wilderness and hearing people whine all day probably got old and smelling sheep all day and smelling like a sheep, being a shepherd, does not sound like fun. But, God used those times as preparation for them, because He was going to use them for great things. I know that God is using this time to prepare me, to heal me and to train me for what He has next for me, but sometimes it is hard. I just have to be patient and not forget how good and loving He is. 

Maybe you’re going through a slow time in your life right now. You feel like you’re going through the routine, you can’t see any real change in your life or situation.

Just know that God is working, He is preparing you, refining you, training you for what He has next for you. In our modern-day, instant gratification, next-day shipping, “what-have-you-done-for-me-lately” culture, it’s hard to wait, to be patient and to trust that God is working. Believe me, I know.

But, He is a good and loving Father, who wants what’s best for His children. He is faithful and He is taking care of us, whether we see or feel it or not.

I need this reminder just as much as anyone.

And maybe, you do too.

2024 was a tumultuous year for us, to say the least.

It started off fairly normal – me and Melissa working, the kids going to school, living our normal routine. However, in the background of that routine was a feeling that we weren’t doing what we were ultimately supposed to do. We both had jobs that we kind of liked, but we knew they weren’t “our calling” or our purpose. The jobs paid the bills (mostly), but we knew deep down inside that God had something else. We didn’t know what that was (we still don’t), but the feeling remained. In the meantime, we lived our lives and we were happy, for the most part. Our marriage was great, our relationship with our kids was really good, and we found an awesome church that was a perfect fit for us.

We were living like most American Christians live. Going through the motions, living through the routine, chasing after what we have been taught all our lives to be the “American dream”.

 But, that’s not what God teaches us.

 We got so busy chasing after that American dream, we didn’t realize that what we were taught and indoctrinated in since we were kids, was really a trap. 

It is difficult for us humans to break the years of indoctrination, brainwashing and incantation that has been done to us all our lives. Thankfully, we have the Lord. He alone has the antidote, He can teach us a new, better way, only He can break the spell.

He was doing that in us, as we began walking with Him again, and desiring for Him to show us what He had planned for us. We knew God had a bigger plan and purpose for us, but it felt like there was no safe way to jump off the merry-go-round.

Then, March 10th happened and our lives were flipped upside-down.

God found our exit for the job-school-American Dream, busy-ness carousel we were on, but it wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t at all what we were expecting. Like I’ve said before, the last thing I/we were thinking was going to interrupt our lives was a stroke. I guess all interruptions are unexpected, but this one completely blind-sided us. 

For sure, this was a drastic wake up call, a shocking and abrupt departure from life as we knew it. Thankfully, God doesn’t ask our permission to give us these wake up calls, nor does He ask us what we want them to be, because I don’t know if we would have agreed to this if He did. But, He knows best. He knew this was the  bucket of ice-cold water to the face that we needed.

 Once the dust settled after my stroke and I was back home and in my right mind (mostly), we realized that our lives would and could never be the same. Melissa came to that conclusion before I did, but now we were both on the same page. Even if I did make a 100% recovery and I was able to go back to my job, I don’t think I wanted to, or could. God took us out of the “rat race” and we had no desire of rejoining. We just want to be used by Him. We have no idea what that means, or what that looks like, but we know that He will show us. We just have to be patient.

After a life altering event like my stroke, our priorities predictably and obviously changed. The material things we chased after, the titles, the keeping-up-with-the-Jones’, the careers, didn’t matter any more. We are just genuinely grateful that we are all alive and together, and we ultimately knew that God was going to take care of us and see us through this situation. 

And He has.

He has provided for us and helped us in ways that we could not have thought of  or dreamed of. For sure, there were times where I, especially, was freaking out about finances and the future, but Melissa was steady, confident and unwavering in her faith. She was such an inspiration and example to me. If she could take me to the hospital, stay by my bedside, deal with the doctors and nurses, and take care of the house and kids, all without knowing if I would leave her a widow, then I could certainly handle this. 

We have been tested in ways that we have never been tested in before. 

God has shown Himself faithful in areas we have never seen before.

Our faith has grown and been refined in situations and circumstances that we never even thought of before.

We know that God isn’t doing this for nothing. We know that He is preparing us, strengthening us and teaching us for what He has for us in the future. It’s easy to lose sight of that, to get caught up in the cares of this world and forget that we’re only passing through. But, He has a plan and a purpose for your suffering. He is training you, He is refining you and removing any dross you have in your life so that you can be used by Him to minister to others.

I don’t have a display case at the entrance to my house filled with trophies.

I don’t have medals or ribbons on the front of my jacket indicating to everyone else all what I have achieved in battles or what rank I am.

I don’t have zeroes at the end of my balance in my bank account to show that I suffered and was treated wrongfully and was monetarily compensated.

What I do have is scars.

Scars on my face and on my head that remind me of what I went through. The scars are my trophies, the scars are my medals. These scars that I was once embarrassed of and covered up whenever I could, I am now proud of. Not because I suffered and came out the other side due to my own abilities and  strength, but because God saw it fit for me to go through the testing ground of suffering and has brought me through to the other side a stronger, more resilient and Godlier man.

Sure, the scars aren’t pretty, they’re not symmetrical or stragetically placed where it makes me look tougher or manlier. They’re not tattoos that I carefully sketched out and planned where they should go. Truth be told, what I went through wasn’t pretty either; There were a lot of tears, questions, doubts, fears and confusion, and to be honest, there still are.

I still don’t know exactly why I had to go through this stroke, although it has resulted in my relationship with the Lord getting stronger and my relationships with other people in my life getting better as a result. But, I still feel like there’s more. Like I said, I don’t know what that is, maybe there’s nothing but, I want to stay open to the possibility that God has something more to teach me, more to show me and different ways to use me. 

It may be that you too are suffering, that you are struggling, that you are being treated unjustly or unfairly and you can’t figure out if there’s a purpose in all of this.

 God sees it.

 God knows it.

 God sees you.

 God knows you.

 He knows exactly what you need and what it will take to get you there.

 You may not know why God is putting you through this trial, but He has a plan and a purpose for it and He has a plan and a purpose for you. 

Trust Him.

Fear.

Frustration.

Loneliness.

Those weren’t all the things I felt after my stroke, but they were definitely the feelings that dominated all the others that I had.

 I thought I had it all figured out, I thought I had it all dialed in, I thought I was (mostly) doing what I was supposed to do. 

I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was wrong? Did I know how to hear from the Lord? Did I know what the Lord’s voice sounded like?  Was I in tune with God enough to follow His signs? 

None of these things came into question until I had my stroke and I laid in that hospital bed by myself after visiting hours were over. Melissa left, my family left, most of the nursing staff left and I laid there in a bed and a room that were not my own, alone with my thoughts, doubts and fears.

I dreaded when night came, because I knew that everyone was going to be gone again, and the spirits of fear, loneliness and frustration would come and pay me a visit.

 I don’t know if anyone else has had the miserable experience of having to try to sleep in one of those hospital beds, but they’re terrible. I always had a hard time trying to sleep in a bed that was not my own, but in a hospital,  with tubes sticking out of my arms, and all those thoughts running through my head – forget it. I would keep the T.V. on all night at the beginning,  just to have some background noise in the room to help me fall asleep better, and have something distract me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. To this day, everytime I hear the Burger King theme song from one of their commercials, it brings me right back to that hospital room, to that bed, to those thoughts.

Towards the end of my hospital stay, (I was there from March 10th through May 3rd) I turned the T.V. off at night and I was able to sleep better. I began to use that quiet time to “listen to and hear from the Lord”.

Throughout my life, hearing from the Lord was something that I heard alot about, but I thought it was reserved more for characters in the Bible, pastors and evangelists – people  much more spiritual than me. The truth is, I never thought I was going to be spiritual enough to be able “to reach that level”. It took me having that quiet time, with nothing on the screen, nothing in my headphones and no one to talk to, to realize that I too can hear from the Lord. It’s not that I’m not spiritual enough, or that I need some official church position to hear Him. For me, I needed that quiet time and I needed to be humbled, namely by the stroke, to be able to hear from God.

I am not here to claim that I am a prophet, or that I have some special gift or a direct line to the Lord. I am saying that, even me, a regular shmegular dude, can hear from and be directed by Him. It took this stroke, my hospital stay and being completely reliant on Him for my health, our finances and our future, to get to this point. Is it always easy to be reliant on Him like that? Absolutely not. 

It’s hard to trust in the Lord when you are lying in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of you, when your bank account is dwindling by the second, and you have no idea whether or not you’ll be able to go back to work again.  It’s hard to trust in what you can’t see.

Maybe I was too prideful or self-reliant to get out of the way to allow God to work and speak to me.I was definitely prideful in regards to my health and physical state, something that I was humbled on in one night.

What I was most afraid of, was not getting my health and physical state back. I thought God took that away from me for good. Maybe He did permanently take some of my physical abilities -especially my vision and balance – I just don’t know yet. But, I know that either way God is going to take care of me.

 I was frustrated that I did not know why God allowed this to happen to me, and what I was going to be able to do for my family. I didn’t know what kind of man I was going to be if I couldn’t drive or work or do stuff around the house. It was frustrating not knowing when I was going to find out if and when I can “go back to normal”. I know that God has a plan and purpose for me and for this stroke. Some things I know now and some things God will show me in His timing, or maybe I won’t know until after this life is over.

Thankfully, I did not suffer much pain (or at least pain that I remember), but it was difficult to describe my symptoms and to express exactly what I was feeling and going through to those that were with me. I did not know anyone else who suffered a stroke like I did, so sharing these things was difficult, if not impossible. Melissa and my family were with me everyday, so my room was always full of people I loved and who I knew loved me. But, I still felt lonely knowing that even those closest to me did not know exactly what I was feeling and what I was able to see or not see. 

It took me a while to realize that I was not alone. God was with me the whole time. God was not caught off guard by my stroke, nor was He surprised by it, even though we were.

 He was not fearful, frustrated or lonely. He knew this was going to happen and what exactly I was going to be feeling during this time. He knows what my future holds, it is already written. All that fear, frustration and loneliness were used to further strengthen me, to test me and to teach me to trust in Him.

 He is faithful, He is good and He knows my future. 

Even when I don’t.

They say the most significant recovery from a stroke happens in the first 3 – 6 months. After 6 months, recovery greatly slows down but it can continue for up to 18 months or even longer. It entirely depends on a number of factors:

~ the part of the brain effected

~ the severity of the stroke

~ the stroke survivor’s motivation 

~ the health of the survivor, prior to the stroke

~ the quality of their rehabilitation

~ their health post stroke

When Cisco was still in the ICU, I made a post on Instagram that gave more details about the type of stroke he suffered (much like what he posted about on the blog last week). I mentioned that his neurosurgeon had told me how every patient she’s ever had has been it’s own separate case. In other words, every patient and every situation were entirely different.

The brain is not like other organs. There are huge limits on their ability to monitor what is going on, if something is about to go wrong, or if a procedure worked. The heart, the lungs, pretty much every other organ, you can monitor. There are a number of tests that can be performed and you are much more likely (and able) to see when something is going wrong, or about to.  

With a stroke, you will see a number of varying outcomes. And it’s all just a matter of “wait and see”. There are no guarantees and as bad as you want something tangible and certain to hold on to, you will not get it. I will say, if I did not have the certainty in my mind that I did, that the Lord was fully in control and involved in the situation, I would’ve lost my mind.  

 I had a sort of mantra from the beginning of this whole thing – “Sunday is Coming”. A week or two prior to his stroke, Phil Wickham came out with a song bearing that title. I would weep every time I listened to it and I had it on repeat because I loved it so much. Those 3 words had never sounded more powerful, more hopeful, more victorious to me. If you haven’t heard it, stop here and go listen to it right now. 

Those 3 words never left my head for 2 months straight. That picture, of Jesus dying and the hopelessness and devastation the disciples and his friends and followers must have felt the following 3 days…I felt it too. Every dream, completely leveled. Every plan, every prayer, all the years of working hard towards a particular goal, up in smoke. You’re suddenly left with a thousand questions and the charred remains of what you once thought was everything that mattered. 

HOW was this His plan?

HOW is any of this good?

And the real question…. Freaking WHY?!

But I digress. Sunday is Coming. Even though I couldn’t see it then, I had to believe it would eventually come. And already, in many ways, it has. 

The first 6 months was a whirlwind of progress. He was progressing at breakneck speed and it was incredibly exciting. In every way, it was like witnessing a miracle unfold before our very eyes and I remember just being blown away, every day, watching him conquer every hurdle. 

When he got out of inpatient rehab and began going to Day Neuro, his progress continued at a great, but slower, rate. At the 6th month mark, we began hearing the dreaded “his progress has peaked” talk and we knew it was time to begin looking outside of the medical system for further help. 

My aunt, who has been a nurse and worked in the medical field for literal decades, was the one to first tell us about the BEMER (Bio-Electro-Magnetic-Energy-Regulation). It’s a German/Swiss device that sends a low-intensity pulsed electromagnetic field, stimulating the muscles, which in turn improves blood circulation. This results in better disbursement of oxygen in targeted areas. You can read more about it here www.bemergroup.com 

Increased circulation, blood flow, and oxygen, all provide an ideal environment for healing. This allows the body to heal itself, essentially. A friend that lives in Hungary also messaged me about it during the summer, as it is widely used for rehabilitation in Europe. We were incredibly blessed to be able to get our hands on one for Cisco and he is about 2 months into his daily use of it. 

Around the same time we started him on the BEMER, that same aunt also suggested we look into particular line of supplements that would be highly beneficial for him.   

It is a line of zeolite based supplements that range from heavy metal detoxification, pain relief, mood boosting and immunity, weight loss and more. We quickly saw major improvements with his mood and ability to manage his emotions. 

One of the very common after effects of a stroke is depression (understandably so), and it can be very deep and dark. It is much more difficult for them to “snap out of it” or deal with their emotions when their brain is in a state of trauma. And all of this, while trying to process the fact that they had a stroke and have entire months wiped from their memory. It can be A LOT. And it can be scary. 

He went from having 3 – 4 “bad” days a week to pretty much none. Maybe 1 or 2, every few weeks, and not nearly as bad as they were happening before. The supplements have become a necessity, as we saw at the end of last month, when we ran out of them, how quickly his mood and wellbeing nose-dived! Won’t be letting that happen ever again. (The BEMER also helps with mood and the combination of the two have definitely made a difference, as they work synergistically with each other! )  

They are completely natural, FDA approved (which is extremely rare for natural supplements!), the highest of quality and I could literally go on and on about them. The brand is called Avini Health and if you are interested in learning more, I would be more than happy to help direct you. You can also check it out here www.avinihealth.com/melissagonzalez. They truly have been a God-send for our family and the testimonials from others who’ve used them as well, are pretty mind-blowing. 

 If you know Cisco, you know he doesn’t love being on pharmaceuticals, so the fact these have prevented him from having to go on more of them than is necessary, makes it well worth it! He thankfully isn’t on very many, but for those who have asked – he takes a statin, a baby aspirin, and Kepra, which is an anti-seizure med. 

In addition to his meds, he also takes B-complex, Omega 3 fish oil, Vitamin D, and Zinc. As far as Avini supplements, he’s on the Cell Defender, Zmunity Mushrooms, Plus Mind and Vision, and Plus Cardio. The biggest thing to remember when treating anything with natural or a more holistic route is that time and consistency are your friend! You have to be consistent and you can’t expect instant results (although you may see some). 

I know this wasn’t the most exciting of blog posts, but this covers our most frequently asked questions (how the BEMER is going, what meds/supplements is he taking, etc). Much of his improvements the past couple months have been subtle and in the day-to-day, nearly unnoticeable. But when looking back at the beginning of the month, or a few weeks ago, then I really see it. I’m confident we are giving him his best shot at near to full recovery we can. He is truly the sweetest, most quietly determined fighter I have ever seen and I am so hugely grateful to everyone who has helped us along in this fight.  

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a medical professional, nor do I claim to be. I am just a wife and a mom, who has had time on my hands to research. I have also prayed many prayers, for the Lord to lead us to the things that would give us a fighting chance and I absolutely believe He has. Everything we are doing is under the recommendation & supervision of medical professionals.