Fear.
Frustration.
Loneliness.
Those weren’t all the things I felt after my stroke, but they were definitely the feelings that dominated all the others that I had.
I thought I had it all figured out, I thought I had it all dialed in, I thought I was (mostly) doing what I was supposed to do.
I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was wrong? Did I know how to hear from the Lord? Did I know what the Lord’s voice sounded like? Was I in tune with God enough to follow His signs?
None of these things came into question until I had my stroke and I laid in that hospital bed by myself after visiting hours were over. Melissa left, my family left, most of the nursing staff left and I laid there in a bed and a room that were not my own, alone with my thoughts, doubts and fears.
I dreaded when night came, because I knew that everyone was going to be gone again, and the spirits of fear, loneliness and frustration would come and pay me a visit.
I don’t know if anyone else has had the miserable experience of having to try to sleep in one of those hospital beds, but they’re terrible. I always had a hard time trying to sleep in a bed that was not my own, but in a hospital, with tubes sticking out of my arms, and all those thoughts running through my head – forget it. I would keep the T.V. on all night at the beginning, just to have some background noise in the room to help me fall asleep better, and have something distract me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. To this day, everytime I hear the Burger King theme song from one of their commercials, it brings me right back to that hospital room, to that bed, to those thoughts.
Towards the end of my hospital stay, (I was there from March 10th through May 3rd) I turned the T.V. off at night and I was able to sleep better. I began to use that quiet time to “listen to and hear from the Lord”.
Throughout my life, hearing from the Lord was something that I heard alot about, but I thought it was reserved more for characters in the Bible, pastors and evangelists – people much more spiritual than me. The truth is, I never thought I was going to be spiritual enough to be able “to reach that level”. It took me having that quiet time, with nothing on the screen, nothing in my headphones and no one to talk to, to realize that I too can hear from the Lord. It’s not that I’m not spiritual enough, or that I need some official church position to hear Him. For me, I needed that quiet time and I needed to be humbled, namely by the stroke, to be able to hear from God.
I am not here to claim that I am a prophet, or that I have some special gift or a direct line to the Lord. I am saying that, even me, a regular shmegular dude, can hear from and be directed by Him. It took this stroke, my hospital stay and being completely reliant on Him for my health, our finances and our future, to get to this point. Is it always easy to be reliant on Him like that? Absolutely not.
It’s hard to trust in the Lord when you are lying in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of you, when your bank account is dwindling by the second, and you have no idea whether or not you’ll be able to go back to work again. It’s hard to trust in what you can’t see.
Maybe I was too prideful or self-reliant to get out of the way to allow God to work and speak to me.I was definitely prideful in regards to my health and physical state, something that I was humbled on in one night.
What I was most afraid of, was not getting my health and physical state back. I thought God took that away from me for good. Maybe He did permanently take some of my physical abilities -especially my vision and balance – I just don’t know yet. But, I know that either way God is going to take care of me.
I was frustrated that I did not know why God allowed this to happen to me, and what I was going to be able to do for my family. I didn’t know what kind of man I was going to be if I couldn’t drive or work or do stuff around the house. It was frustrating not knowing when I was going to find out if and when I can “go back to normal”. I know that God has a plan and purpose for me and for this stroke. Some things I know now and some things God will show me in His timing, or maybe I won’t know until after this life is over.
Thankfully, I did not suffer much pain (or at least pain that I remember), but it was difficult to describe my symptoms and to express exactly what I was feeling and going through to those that were with me. I did not know anyone else who suffered a stroke like I did, so sharing these things was difficult, if not impossible. Melissa and my family were with me everyday, so my room was always full of people I loved and who I knew loved me. But, I still felt lonely knowing that even those closest to me did not know exactly what I was feeling and what I was able to see or not see.
It took me a while to realize that I was not alone. God was with me the whole time. God was not caught off guard by my stroke, nor was He surprised by it, even though we were.
He was not fearful, frustrated or lonely. He knew this was going to happen and what exactly I was going to be feeling during this time. He knows what my future holds, it is already written. All that fear, frustration and loneliness were used to further strengthen me, to test me and to teach me to trust in Him.
He is faithful, He is good and He knows my future.
Even when I don’t.
