“For whoever has despised the day of small things shall rejoice…” Zech. 4:10 ESV
It’s hard to believe that it’s already been 10 months since my stroke. It’s funny that when we look back at things that have happened to us, it can feel like it only happened yesterday and it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time. A lot has happened since then, and it feels like nothing has happened. It’s easy to forget how I was when I woke up in that hospital.
I was a wreck physically, mentally and emotionally.
I have come a long way in all those areas, even though some days it doesn’t feel like it. You see, I suffer from what a lot of Christians suffer from – spiritual short term memory loss. I was afflicted with this before my stroke, but I feel like it’s gotten especially bad after it. It’s been a condition the human race has suffered from since the time of Adam and Eve, and we will continue to go through it until we are in our new bodies. We forget so quickly what God has done for us and how good He has been and we tend to focus right away on what we used to have and don’t any longer, or what we want and don’t have.
It’s easy to read books like Exodus and see how whiny and ungrateful the children of Israel tended to be after God parted the Red Sea or made manna come down from Heaven and criticize them for their lack of faith.
But that is us. That is me.
The fact that I am even able to be here and write this is a miracle.
I should have died.
But, God saw it fit to keep me alive. To give me more time with Melissa and kids. To give me more opportunities to see Him work and to serve Him.
God is so good.
Yet, so many times, instead of focusing on His love and His goodness, I focus on what I don’t have or what I can’t do.
Right after my stroke, I was in the ICU for a while, recovering, then I went into “in-patient rehab” where I underwent rehab exercises while I still stayed in the hospital. The rehab was challenging, especially at first. I was under-weight, weak, I had the eyesight of a fruit bat and my balance was that of a drunken sailor while on the ocean for the first time.
But my therapist was great. She was kind, funny and knew exactly when to push me harder and when to let me rest. I was still in my wheelchair at that time, but I could see and feel myself progress everyday. Unfortunately, the rehab part was only about an hour a day, so the rest of the day I was stuck in my room, wondering how I got there – and wishing I was rehabbing and getting better.
That lasted about a month, then they discharged me from the hospital, and I went home.
I was home for a couple of days and then I began Day Neuro. I had to get used to the house again and where everything was. At that point, I was still pretty immobile and I had to rely on Melissa and the kids to do almost everything for me. Honestly, Melissa and the kids were great. I was just frustrated at myself and my situation and sometimes I would take it out on them. They would ask me where I was going or what I was doing every time I got off the couch. I knew they were doing it out of love and concern, but it would sometimes still annoy me. It was my job to be the inquisitive and annoying one, not theirs.
There were so many things that I took for granted when I was healthy: walking on my own without a walker, being able to see the TV clearly and being able to drive. There were new things I suddenly needed a lot of help with. Getting dressed, tying my shoes and just walking around the house. I even had to take a shower with one of those shower stools, so I could sit down, because I was so weak and my balance was so off.
The rehab facility Melissa found thankfully picked me up, which was good because it was about 40 minutes away. I had sessions 5 days a week, and 6 hours a day, so it was intense for sure, but it was exactly what I needed. My progress surged by leaps and bounds during those 3 months. I went from a wheelchair, to a walker, to walking on my own, from showering with a stool, to showering without one and from climbing up the stairs, holding onto the banister for dear life, to walking up them with no help. My eyesight improved drastically to where I first was prescribed glasses and then I outgrew the prescription. My coordination and balance improved and it felt like I got my “land legs” back.
Since then, I have “graduated” rehab and have been home full time. I am still progressing, although it’s not the day to day big improvements that we saw at the beginning. The doctors and therapists said that my progression would begin to slow down as time went on, but it was still hard to take. I am now at the period where I am still improving, but the progression is slower and imperceptible at times.
It is the “days of small things”.
It can be frustrating for sure. Have you ever met a family and they have young kids, and then you go a couple months without seeing them and their kids have shot up like weeds and all of a sudden they have huge vocabularies? You mention to their parents how much they’ve grown and they notice it, but not as much as you. They see their kids everyday and although they see them grow and mature, their growth is harder to see and measure on a daily basis. That’s how I feel.
I know that I am progressing and getting stronger everyday, but since it happens in smaller increments, it’s harder for me to notice. Those that haven’t seen me for a couple of months will comment on how much I’ve improved or how much healthier I look, etc., but I don’t always feel it. I, like the Israelites, can tend to focus on what I don’t have or what I still can’t do, instead of remembering and thanking God for the miracles He has done.
God knows us so well. He knew we needed to see the forgetfulness and at times the ungratefulness of the Israelites. He knew that we needed to see that He used imperfect men like Moses, Abraham and David. Yes, they messed up, they lacked faith, they disobeyed, but God still used them. He used them to bring Israel out of Egypt, to bring His people through the wilderness and to slay a giant and rule over His nation. Were there days of small things in their lives? Of course. Did they rejoice when those days were over and God used them? Of course.
Being raised in Pharoah’s palace had to have had its boring, monotonous days. Seeing sand dune after sand dune in the wilderness and hearing people whine all day probably got old and smelling sheep all day and smelling like a sheep, being a shepherd, does not sound like fun. But, God used those times as preparation for them, because He was going to use them for great things. I know that God is using this time to prepare me, to heal me and to train me for what He has next for me, but sometimes it is hard. I just have to be patient and not forget how good and loving He is.
Maybe you’re going through a slow time in your life right now. You feel like you’re going through the routine, you can’t see any real change in your life or situation.
Just know that God is working, He is preparing you, refining you, training you for what He has next for you. In our modern-day, instant gratification, next-day shipping, “what-have-you-done-for-me-lately” culture, it’s hard to wait, to be patient and to trust that God is working. Believe me, I know.
But, He is a good and loving Father, who wants what’s best for His children. He is faithful and He is taking care of us, whether we see or feel it or not.
I need this reminder just as much as anyone.
And maybe, you do too.
