I remember the night Cisco was admitted into the ICU. I had no idea what we were in for, no idea what to expect, and honestly had very little idea of what a stroke even was. No one in my family (at least to my knowledge) has ever had a stroke. Cancer? Heart issues? We are well acquainted, at least to some degree. But not strokes.
Strokes do run in Cisco’s family however, but we were fairly unaware (until recently) of just how much. So when we got his diagnosis I knew it was serious, that it was going to be a “long road” and that it was going to be a wait and see type of situation. I knew it was a blood clot in the brain, that some survivors are left paralyzed on one side and depending on the side where the stroke happened, certain abilities would be impaired. That was literally the extent of my stroke knowledge.
Looking back, I feel like this lack of knowledge and overall naiveté served me well in some ways. I had a lot of faith that he was going to shock everyone and come back swingin. Knowing what I know now, I don’t think I would have had that level of optimism and faith that God was going to do what the medical professionals were trying to tell me was impossible. I knew enough to know it was bad. What I didn’t know was just how bad it was about to get or how bad it could possibly get. And I am so thankful I didn’t.
I’m generally the type of person who loves to Google everything, find out as much as I can and prepare myself for the worst. I do not like unknowns and I do not like surprises. I researched enough about his specific type of stroke to generally know what we were dealing with. I also quickly found out how there was only so much Google and the doctors could tell me, because every neuro patient is different. There are so many factors that go into a patient’s recovery and how they rehabilitate it is nearly impossible to know what the outcome will be.
That first night in the ICU feels like a literal lifetime ago. SO much was about to happen, I had no idea what we were in for. Someone asked me the other day, if I could go back and tell myself one thing in those early days of his stroke, what would it be – and honestly, I don’t think I would’ve told myself anything I wasn’t already being told (which was very, very little). That might sound weird, but honestly, I don’t think I could’ve handled it. I was not ready to hear or know what we were in for.
If you have read Corrie Ten Boom’s book, The Hiding Place, there is a story she tells about her dad and the train ticket. He asks her,” when we go to Amsterdam, when do I give you the train ticket?” And she answers, “right before we get on the train”. And he tells her how our Father in heaven knows when we are going to need things too and not to try to run ahead of Him.
He doesn’t give us too much information too soon and He also doesn’t give us the strength we will need until the moment we need it. If I had known what was up ahead, the odds we were up against or the possibilities of what we were facing – I don’t know that I would’ve had the boldness to ask for the prayers I asked for or the boldness to pray the way I did.
He knew what I needed to know then and what I didn’t.
There have been many moments in the past few months where I have had a really hard time not knowing what his outcome would be. Literal hours and days full of tears because of the unknown and not knowing if things would ever be the same for him and us as a family again. How often do we think “if I could just see a few months ahead, how much easier this all would be to go through”, when in reality, that may not be the case at all! Sometimes things get worse before they get better.
Right now, we are still very much in the thick of it, even though on paper he is doing much better. There is still so much that is unknown and there is no end in sight on this recovery road we’re on. And that’s ok. Some days are super hard and emotional and some days we have so much optimism and faith for the future. Both feelings are real and true and we are learning to lean into all of it.
So friend, if you also find yourself in a place where life has been flipped upside down and there are a lot of questions and unknown’s and not a lot of answers…hang in there. He hasn’t forgotten us, He hasn’t lost our train tickets, He isn’t withholding information or good things. He’s preparing in us the necessary ground we will need for whatever is next and He knows when the time is right and we’re ready. He’s a good, good Father.
